It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
