He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
