I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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