Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
