I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
