its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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