Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
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fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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