You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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