Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
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