I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
two words: eviction party
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
