I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
