New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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