***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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