haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
