I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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