don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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