What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.