We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
