you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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