bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
