I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
