My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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