the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you