if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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