I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
