i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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