I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
