I accidentally had phone sex last night
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
