the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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