I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
