I puked a lego.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
