OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
