Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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