she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
