I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
