I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
