I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
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...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
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I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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