come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
