if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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