Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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