Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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