I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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