In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
