it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
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i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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