Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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