She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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