true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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