Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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