That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
