New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
