but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
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Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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