I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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