i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
