Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
