i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
