a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
